Broken Boats and Brokered Promises

             

What happens when your boat breaks down in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea?

It was an August afternoon that had arrived after an aggressive six weeks of dancing and drinking, which left me a in a state of hysteria. I decided to leave my yacht and my crew to spend a night in a hotel for a little air conditioning and rejuvenation. The cubicle sized European hotel room did not offer much more space than the cupboard I usually slept in, but it was nice not to wake up caked in sweat, salt water and stale beer. I also learned that one night of rest does not make up for 40 days without. Because I had left my boat, I had to take the once daily ferry from the mainland to the island where my boat was docked that day, so I groggily boarded the ferry and did my best to ignore the happy people around me.

Vodka, I love you but you lack the electrolytes I need to keep loving me. @tissewill 

We cruised at high speeds for about an hour when the boat abruptly came to a halt and crewmembers began to run around frantically. I had been blasting 90s grunge rock on my headphones and was unaware if any announcement as to our safety had been made. Highly doubting the competency of anyone who speaks Italian to do anything other than make pizza, I was understandably concerned. Having grown up in Malibu where fire evacuations were common occurrence, and earthquakes nothing more than a good way to work on your core strength, I'm good at staying calm during emergencies. However, I have trouble staying calm in the ocean, because I can't swim, and because I hate getting my hair wet.

I immediately started to think about what I would be able to save when we had to jump off the boat. Of course I wanted to save my laptop iPad, and iPhone, and collection of superfood supplements from Whole Foods I use in lieu of recreational drugs. As for my clothes, surely I could save the bikinis, considering they are meant to get wet. But half the items in my suitcase were dry clean only and the imprudence of taking delicates sailing was starting to sink in. Finally, I thought about the movie Titanic, and how Kate Winslet survived, but Leonardo Dicaprio died. In this situation, I was alone. I didn't have a man willing to lose his life so I could be on a raft. And of course the water in the Aeolian Islands is probably considerably warmer than that of the northern Atlantic in winter, but I still hated the idea that this story would not morph from a misadventure into a tragic romance of love and loss. Surrounded by 300 tanned strangers of indeterminable ethnicity, I never felt more unloved or alone.

I imagined anarchy similar to this, but without a shirtless butler serving beer. Photo curtesy of my soul sister @tissewill and @theyachtweek

At this point, my life was flashing before my eyes, and I began to think of everything I had done wrong and the choices that inevitably led me to this point of certain death. I always thought I would die peacefully in my sleep, because I had drank too much to wake up. Drowning, however, is on my top ten list of ways I would never want to die -- After a freak bungee jumping accident and before being pecked to death by birds.  I thought about the fact that I didn't update my will before I left, because my ex-boyfriend was still an heir to my fortune. Even after death, I would still be giving abundantly, and he would still be taking that most precious to me... In this case a box set of Harry Potter DVDs.

The worst part of this horrifying situation, was that I had just come out of one of the craziest Yacht Weeks of my life, and I knew that after that, there was no way I was making it through the gates of heaven. So I began to make promises. I promised the Universe that if I survived I would change. I would be a better person, do good things for the people of the world. I would make my parents proud and I would go to church every Sunday.

Suddenly, the engine jolted to a start, and we began to move again. I started to clap, thinking that everyone around me would too, in thanks to the brave seamen who had just saved our lives. I was alone in my gratitude however, as the Europeans sitting around me sat pretentiously, failing to care they has just come inches from that bright white light.

When we landed at port a few minutes later, I resisted the urge to kiss the ground. It was Sunday, so the town was quiet. I walked by a church currently conducting service, and thought to myself, I'll go next week. I was tired, and needed my two favorite things, ice cream and alcohol. Shortly thereafter, I met up with the rest of my crew, the final week in Italy commenced, and I continued down the road to hell. Hashtag yolo, or something else equally obnoxious that indicates I lack character but am super fun at parties.  

Look how much fun we are havingt. @tissewill